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Revs. Chris and Karen Mohr. |
Your ceremony is the spiritual heart and soul of your wedding day. Yet,
many people are uncertain about how to choose an officiant. You may even
be a little intimidated when talking with the person who may be saying
some of the most important words you will ever hear in your life. If you
and your fiance are already members of an established church, synagogue
or mosque, then the choice is easy. But if you are entering into an interfaith
union, or neither of you has an affiliation with a local religious group,
you’ll want to be looking for an officiant who can serve you well
on your special day. Here are some tips on where to look and what to ask.
1.) Who is recommending this officiant? If you receive
a referral from a close family member, there may be a strong expectation
that you simply accept this person as the one who will tie your knot.
Referrals from friends or people you find on your own usually have fewer
“strings attached.” In any event, remember that this is your
wedding day, and while your families are welcome to share their ideas
and opinions, the final decision must rest with the two of you. Thank
your family member for the recommendation, tell them your fiancé
may also getting ideas from his or her side of the family, and assure
them that the two of you will choose a minister who is best for everyone
concerned.
2.) Do you like the officiant’s voice? A person’s
voice is not the only consideration in choosing an officiant, but it is
important. Is the voice soothing or shrill? Does he or she speak slowly
and clearly? Can you understand what is being said? Remember, the officiant
is communicating the special words of your wedding ceremony to every single
guest. If the voice is too soft, be sure that amplification is provided.
The voice must be able to carry to the last row of guests, and hold their
interest.
3.) How flexible is your officiant? If your Uncle Bill
wants to sing a song during the lighting of the unity candle, will the
officiant forbid it? Are you free to add your own vows or other special,
romantic touches? Do you want a little humor in the ceremony? Even if
you don’t know up front what kind of wedding ceremony you want,
are you confident that your officiant will allow for changes as the wedding
day approaches? Can your officiant work with you to develop a ceremony
which honors the religious traditions and beliefs of both families while
still speaking meaningfully to the two of you? For example, if you were
raised Christian and your fiancé is Jewish, is the minister willing
to read a passage from the Old Testament instead of a New Testament scripture?
Will the minister allow flash photography during the wedding (usually
this will help make the pictures look better)? How about a video camera
on the altar (cameras on the altar area can be a distraction, and will
also wreck the appearance of the wedding pictures for everyone else)?
4.) What is your officiant’s background? The government
doesn’t issue licenses to ministers, so an officiant’s experience
with weddings is important. How many has he or she performed? What other
pastoral work is being done?
5.) What is the spiritual or religious “slant” of
your officiant? Most ministers work with and subscribe to the
doctrines of a particular faith. If you are not of the same faith, do
not be shy about letting them know what your religious values are in the
first meeting. Whether you’re a born-again Christian or haven’t
thought much about religion, even if the two of you are in very different
places in the spiritual journey, let the minister know. Can the minister
work with you to create a ceremony that is true to your beliefs, or do
you feel that the officiant has an agenda to fit you into his or her particular
denominational preferences? Does the minister work well with your agenda?
6.) Are you also looking for a church to attend? Some
people are looking for a lifelong relationship with a minister and a church.
Others just want a minister to officiate their wedding. Be clear about
your preference. If you are looking for a church group and a pastor, ask
if you can attend an upcoming service. If not, say so, and see if that
works for the minister you are considering.
7.) What moral criteria does the officiant expect you to meet?
If you and your fiancé are living together, already have
children, are expecting a child, or if either of you have been through
a divorce, it is important to tell the prospective officiant your situation
during your first phone conversation. Some officiants will reject you
immediately, and it is better to find this out soon. Others will demand
that you move into separate apartments, or express other expectations.
Consider these factors when deciding if this is the officiant you want.
For some people, this is an opportunity to “clean house” and
bring religion back into their lives–but this is for the two of
you to decide.
8.) What about premarital counseling? Some couples want
counseling, and others do not feel it is necessary. Some ministers offer
excellent counseling programs, but others may pressure you into “counseling”
programs that ask you to sign a tithing agreement or a commitment to join
a particular church and attend faithfully every week. Some couples use
their upcoming wedding as an opportunity to deepen their spiritual commitments,
but do not feel that you are obligated to do so if this is not the true
calling of your own hearts. In addition, counseling programs are only
as good as your willingness to deeply participate. Some people definitely
benefit from them, but many do not, especially if you are simply fulfilling
an obligation by attending the sessions.
9.) What donation is appropriate? Some officiants are
afraid to bring this up, so you can help them by asking directly. The typical range is $250-$800, with $300-$450 a common requested offering. If they’re
too shy to give you a clear answer, offer $250 and ask if that will be
acceptable. Remember, the officiant will be spending several hours helping
you prepare for your big day, so don’t just slip $20 into a thank
you card.
10.) How many meetings will you have? Some officiants
say no meeting is necessary, that he or she will just show up for the
wedding and you can run your own rehearsal. Others want you to go through
extensive premarital counseling. Some will offer one or two preparatory
meetings and a rehearsal. Some are even unwilling to meet with you in
person if you are just “shopping around.” What do you want?
Can the officiant meet your wishes? Will the officiant be available to
talk by phone as questions arise? Can you trust this person with family
secrets if you just need someone to talk to about personal matters? If
possible, find an officiant who is as helpful as you want him or her to
be but not overbearing.
11.) Will the officiant run the rehearsal? An experienced
officiant at your wedding rehearsal can be very helpful, but he or she
may not be available at the scheduled time. If the minister is unable
or unwilling to attend the rehearsal, will other arrangements be made
for someone to put your wedding party through its paces? Don’t believe
a minister who says you can easily run a rehearsal yourself without some
advance practical help! If the minister is running the rehearsal, will
the facility also have an assistant there to help? If so, the best way
to run a rehearsal is to have the wedding coordinator help walk you all
up to the front, then have the officiant rehearse the ceremony itself,
and finally have the coordinator direct the recessional march at the end.
Ask the minister if it is all right for the two of you to face one another
during the ceremony; the pictures will look much better!
12.) Should I invite the officiant to my rehearsal dinner or
reception? If the officiant has a long-term pastoral relationship
with you or the family, be all means issue an invitation. Otherwise, the
decision is entirely yours to make. Many officiants politely decline the
invitation, so if you want them to attend, it may be best to ask casually
first.
13.) How will the officiant be dressed? This may seem
like a petty question, so don’t ask it right up front! But some
officiants will wear a suit and tie (gray or black suits are best, because
they blend in with any color scheme). Others wear robes. Ask to see the
robe, or at least a picture, to see if it looks good for your wedding
day. If it is the wrong color for your wedding, or if it has prominent
religious symbols which might offend some family members, ask the officiant
if he or she would consider wearing a plain suit instead. Some ministers
are also willing to wear special items for weddings, such as cowboy boots
and bolo ties.
14.) How elaborate will the ceremony preparations be? Many
officiants have only one ceremony they offer. Be sure you get to read
their ceremony and make sure it harmonizes with what you want said at
your wedding. Ask if they also have an extemporaneous sermon they will
add, or if what you see is what you’ll get. Others have a few simple
choices (with the option of you adding some of your own ideas) so you
can create the ceremony that most speaks to you. Still others want to
sit down and design an elaborate, customized wedding just for you. Always
ask how long they think the ceremony itself will take; this is critically
important information for your facility, photographer, caterer, etc. You
may prefer something more simple than what the officiant is offering,
or more flexible: whatever you want, let the officiant know up front.
15.) Do you feel taken care of? Many people feel that
they have to meet a minister’s standards, and in some religious
traditions this is entirely valid. But remember, the original meaning
of the word “minister” is “servant.” Is this minister
serving your needs on your big day? Are you comfortable in the minister’s
presence, or do you always feel like you are hiding things so as not arouse
his or her disapproval? Do you feel that you are jumping through hoops
to win your prospective officiant’s favor? Find a minister who is
eager to serve you, and your wedding day will be a beautiful one for everyone.
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Colorado
Wedding Ceremonies
